Have you ever heard anyone say “How could I possibly love another child as much as I love my first”? I personally never asked this question, because I am from a large family, so the concept that love multiplies comes easy to me. When this question is asked, that is the normal reply you hear from those that have multiple children. Love multiples. What they forget to tell you is your time, spirit, soul, and body do not. Thank goodness for that love because by God, it is the only thing that keeps you from literally ripping in half.
I am not going to label myself as an expert on the subject. To become an expert in something they say you need to work at it for 10,000 hours and I am just about 80 days shy of mastery. Never the less, in my 8,767th hour, I felt compelled to reach out to you and be the first to let you know, it is only the love that multiples and to give you some insight into what it feels like to have two children. Maybe my tips will help you on you way to your own expertise.
As I stated above, I was not afraid that the love wouldn’t multiply, but I was hesitant to love another. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want anyone else intruding on our special world, The world I shared with my first born Silas. I was selfish for him. At only 2 years old, he didn’t know what was about to hit us. I didn’t know what was about to hit us. That uncertainty and the disruption of our safe love bubble was one of the only things on my mind for the weeks leading up to Ruby’s arrival. If you are feeling this same way, know that it is normal and it is natural. Every other mother I have spoken to felt the same way.
That first child changes you. They make you a mother. They are the reason you can understand what unconditional, sacrificial love is. They teach you what it feels like to be connected to a person completely. One hundred percent everyday, there, in your mind, part of your very makeup. To not have the feelings of hesitancy to let someone else into that world would be strange. I can tell you that it will be fine. It is worth it. Love multiples
February 2018 came along and our love bubble grew. I expected Silas to freak out and be completely jealous right off the get go. He is a fierce mamas boy. He wasn’t. He was his peaceful, steady self. He had his days, but all in all I think he handled the transition better than me. You see, we both had to learn to share. He had to learn to share his mom and I had to learn to share my babies. Which brings me to my first tip. Ask for help.
1.Ask for Help
You are a great mom. Strong, courageous, nurturing, hard working. I heard the best quote this week. “You are capable of anything, but you are not capable of everything” You are going to need to share. If you are like me and this is not something you are good at. Practice. When your first born who only ever wanted you, now sometimes asks for Daddy, feel the pain, but take those words as a blessing. Let your partner have some love. Keep in mind that he has had to endure that pain of not being wanted for years. Your partner chose to do this life with you. Let them help.
You are going to need so much more help. I hope for your sake that you have loving close family and friends around you. If not, get out there and find people that can be that for you. “It takes a village’ is not a joke.
Remember I told you it is going to feel like you are being torn in half? Maybe you were like me and were able to be home and ever present with your first child and you put this same expectation on yourself now. STOP!
2. Do not put unrealistic expectations on yourself
I am preaching to the choir on this one. I am still learning this. Maybe I will master this in the next 80 days? I won’t be holding my breath because here is some of my daily inner dialogue for you.
“The kids are up. We need breakfast, the baby needs to be changed, Silas is asking me to play, but the kitchen is a mess from breakfast. I will stop for a second” I stop, but my brain does not so I am really no good to Silas at all. “Where did Ruby crawl to? I still need to change her. When was that doctors appointment we had? How am I going to fit in blogging or shooting a video for my business? When was the last time I gave my husband a hug? What did Ruby just put in her mouth” “Sorry Silas, what did you say?”
Maybe your inner dialogue does not sound like that. I am truly so grateful there are people like you on the planet. But me, I am an achiever. I cannot remain idle for too long and this personality trait further enhances the problem that I face with putting unfair expectations on myself.
I highly recommend taking an Enneagram personality quiz. A correctly done one, to help you understand the way you function. Knowing how I am wired, what my strengths are, and what I need to work on and be aware of has given me clarity. Take the things you learn about yourself and use them to your advantage.
3. Set a timer
Best advice I have been given. Set a timer so you can be fully present in whatever you need to do. I set mine for 20 minutes and I shut off my brain to all other “must do’s” and play transformers with Silas, let Ruby use my hands to walk around the house or find something we can do together. Finding things to do with both kids is tricky, but honestly you will just get better at it and it will become easier as their age gap begins to not play into the equation.
When it comes to being present with my children, when the timer goes off, I have usually immersed myself into the time with them so much in that 20 minutes that my brain cares about nothing else but to be there with them. I am present. I am paying attention, quality attention. I will either set the timer again and remain there or if I truly need to move on, I know I connected just then and will be back to connect fully more later.
This was not a struggle for me with just Silas because I could get my own things done while he napped. With two children, you will more than most likely have one of them with you at all times. Praise be for the times when they nap at the same time.
My natural tendencies are to go all in with playing or teaching them something every second they are awake I want them engaged. This just can’t be done when you have more than one child. There are other things in your life that need your attention. Cleaning, Bills, Food…so much food!! Your work, your hobbies. Do you have hobbies anymore? Oh, and remember your partner? The one and only most important person in your life. Yes, they are most important. Don’t forget them. You need them and not just for helping with the kids.
4. Make time for your partner
You make think because you have that actual DNA connection to your children that they are the most important. It can feel like that most days. My children are young too. Here is something to keep in mind. This is a season. They will not always need you like they do now. You will always need or at least want your partner and they in turn will always need and want you. They deserve your respect and they deserve a place in the top priority category. Make time for each other.
Connect during the day. Don’t forget how powerful a simple “good morning” is. I am a doer and my husband is so good at balancing hard work and rest. Some days I wish I was like him, but most days, like a normal achiever, I think he should obviously strive to be like me. Everyone should. (Have your partner take that Enneagram test with you. and learn their inner workings as well. I am telling you it’s eye opening folks!)
Weekly date nights can be unrealistic, but really push to make that possible. If getting out of the house weekly is not possible. Make sure you have special planned out time together after the kids go to sleep. We plan date night in more than date night out. It can be a classic movie on the couch, board games, or a candlelit dessert on the porch. The key is to be intentional.
5. Don’t forget you.
Chances are your inner dialogue is similar to mine. Chances are you have extreme guilt when you try to do something for yourself. I’m talking guilt that will lead you to anger and frustration that you take out on the rest of the family. Please know that you cannot continuously pour out and never replenish your own self. This does not mean you need to leave the house, this does not mean you need to spend money. This does not mean you need more time that is no where to be found. I am talking as simple as setting that 20 minute alarm to just breathe. Take 20 minutes to let it sink in that you are enough. You are more than enough. Even though you have been split into two. Your time. Your soul. Your spirit. You are enough for all of them. Your husband and your children. Take 20 minutes to let love multiple. Because when love multiples, it will bring the pieces back together again.
Remember, KEEP BLOOMING! ~Bekah
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